Co-parenting is rarely easy, but for survivors of domestic abuse, the challenges can feel insurmountable. Approximately 23.5% of divorces specifically cite domestic violence as a major contributing factor.[1] This statistic highlights how survivors must navigate the difficult reality of co-parenting with an abusive ex-partner. While the journey is undoubtedly difficult, it can be possible to co-parent while prioritizing your safety and well-being. Here are some practical tips to help you navigate this complex situation. 

Tips to Co-Parenting:  

1- Safety Comes First 

Your safety and the safety of your children must always come first. If your ex-partner has a history of violence, consider creating a detailed safety plan. This plan could include arranging neutral locations for custody exchanges, ensuring someone you trust is present, or even involving law enforcement if needed. Always trust your instincts and take extra precautions to avoid potentially dangerous situations. 

If your abuser is only targeting you but leaves your children alone, there may be a healthy opportunity to co-parent together. However, if you truly fear for your children's safety and well-being, speak with your legal team immediately. Your counsel and you must go through the proper channels to ensure your children's safety. You will need to provide evidence that your abuser is unfit and take legal steps to have their rights revoked or limited. 

This is also a good time to have an honest and age-appropriate conversation with your children about abuse: what it looks like, how to recognize it, and what to do if they ever feel unsafe. You can seek support from school counselors, a family therapist, or legal representation to help educate and support your children through this process. 

2- Use a Co-Parenting App 

Co-parenting apps such as OurFamilyWizard or TalkingParents can be invaluable tools for managing communication with an abusive ex-partner. These platforms allow you to document all exchanges, reducing the chances of miscommunication and providing a clear record if legal intervention becomes necessary. Many apps also have built-in tools to assist with scheduling, expense tracking, and messaging, making them an excellent resource for co-parenting. 

3- Create a Detailed Parenting Plan 

A well-thought-out parenting plan is critical in minimizing conflict. We strongly recommend seeking professional advice when creating your plan. There are key aspects you might already anticipate, such as custody schedules, school and extracurricular activities, holidays, vacations, and expense sharing. However, experienced legal and mediation professionals can help account for often-overlooked situations, such as: 

• What to do if you or your child are sick when custody exchange is scheduled? 
• How to handle custody exchanges when your ex or child is ill? 
• Considerations for children with special needs. 
• Defining how long to wait at the agreed-upon meeting location for custody exchanges. 

The more detailed the plan, the less room there is for manipulation or ambiguity. Work with your attorney, mediator, or family court to establish clear guidelines. Safe Alliance's Legal Representation Programs provide guidance on custody and parenting plans and can often connect clients with additional pro bono resources, ensuring you have the support needed to navigate this process effectively. 

4- Limit Communication and Set Firm Boundaries 

Abusive individuals often try to maintain control through ongoing conflict. Limit your interactions to parenting-related topics and avoid engaging in arguments. Set firm boundaries regarding acceptable behavior, and stick to them. For example, if your ex-partner strays off-topic or becomes abusive in their communication, end the exchange immediately. 

5- Keep Communication in Writing 

Whenever possible, limit communication to written forms like emails or messages through a co-parenting app. Written communication not only helps reduce the emotional strain of face-to-face or verbal interactions but also serves as evidence if any disputes arise. Keep your messages concise, factual, and focused solely on matters concerning your child. 

6- Arrange Pick-Ups and Drop-Offs at Neutral Locations 

To minimize face-to-face contact, arrange for custody exchanges to take place at neutral locations such as your child's school or daycare. This approach reduces the likelihood of confrontations and provides a safer environment for both you and your child.  

If a neutral location is not an option, consider using a supervised exchange center. Mecklenburg County has a designated Supervised Visitation and Safe Exchange Center (SVSE), located at Valerie C. Woodard Center: 3205 Freedom Drive, Suite 2000 Charlotte, NC 28208. This service is free of charge as long as one parent resides in Mecklenburg County. Visit the link for more information and how to get started. 

7- Seek Support 

You don't have to face this journey alone. Seek support from trusted friends, family, or support groups for survivors of domestic violence. Professional counseling or therapy can also provide valuable tools for coping with the emotional toll of co-parenting with an abuser. Additionally, consider connecting with organizations which offer resources and guidance tailored to survivors. At Safe Alliance, we offer free support groups for survivors of domestic violence and sexual assault throughout the year, providing a safe and compassionate space to connect, share experiences, and heal. 

Co-parenting with an abuser is a challenging and emotionally draining process, but you don't have to navigate it on your own. By prioritizing safety, setting boundaries, and utilizing tools like co-parenting apps, you can create a more structured and manageable dynamic. Remember that seeking support is not a sign of weakness but a testament to your strength and determination to provide a safe, nurturing environment for your children.